Confessions

I find myself gasping for air, not in a literal sense, like I'm trying to live and it hurts to breathe. I think I'm over melo-dramatic, but I also think my problem/s are very real.

I don't find counsel from God nor godly people, maybe I do, but I feel they don't have time for me. Did Jesus have time for His 12? Paul for his churches? How much time should we spend with those younger in faith?

Instead of finding refuge in God, I find it in worldly things, in sin even. I think I sin double cos I turn away from God (1) and I turn to sin (2).

I find my refuge in roleplaying games where I live in a wholly different world, I have "things" in that world, I have "friends", I make decisions which make no real impact to anyone else, I don't know what to decide and I feel no one understands me, not my parents even.

My knowledge of the Word of God cannot be applied to myself, I cannot give myself advice, suddenly my mind seems a blank because I've been playing so much games, drowning myself from reality that all I think about are those things, my mind is dead and my heart buried.

And I sit behind a computer to blog my sorry state like it's a cry for help, is it? It could be. When everyone from this place is gone I start feeling shitty, I start to sin, but I stop and catch myself instinctively before it goes out of control, before it grasps my mind and I cannot stop myself.

I don't know how I will take concern now because I always tell myself that if you cared enough it wouldn't wait till now. So it's not really a cry for help. What do I want?

Truth time, I don't know. I don't know what I want from God, what I want from myself, what I want from my friends, and my family.

Then again, maybe I do. I want a sense of belonging and I want love, maybe I don't want it, maybe I need it. Like I was made for it, a creature hopelessly needing love and needing belonging and finding none until we give up our search and turn to God.

Everything is going wrong, why am I getting fat? I think I couldn't care less anymore, could I? One thing is certain with me, I am very confused.

I don't know what plans to make what I want to achieve and my dad calls me lazy and sees my refusal to seek any form of self-improvement as laziness. I wish people would see beneath this stupid "facade" they see, because it's not me, not really. Ramble ramble ramble. I don't know what to type anymore but I want to go on because my demons are climbing out from this pit called my heart, one by one by one.